Welcome to Affordable Burials and Cremations’ guide on funeral etiquette.  Read on to learn the basics of attending funerals.

No matter what the occasion, etiquette can be tricky because if you violate its unspoken rules, you may never know – people are unlikely to let you know what faux pas you may have committed, which puts you at risk of unknowingly offending someone or acting improperly over and over. This is especially true for funerals. On the one hand, grieving relatives are likely too consumed with their own emotions to worry too much about your funeral attire or behaviour; on the other hand, a solemn occasion of mourning is the last place you want to commit a serious social error.

Attendance

You do not need an explicit invitation to attend a funeral unless it’s a special private event for the closest family and friends only. In the vast majority of cases, anyone can attend a funeral and pay their respects to the deceased; all are welcomed to say farewell. Often, after the service, family members and close friends will meet at the chief mourner’s house or another location, such as a local restaurant, to enjoy refreshments and provide each other with support; these affairs may be more restricted (if only by size and logistics) than the funeral itself.

If you receive a funeral notice and cannot attend, it is appropriate to respond to the notice with your regrets and condolences.

Attire

Unless explicitly stated otherwise in the funeral instructions, formal clothes, usually dark or black in colour, are appropriate. Be sure to dress for the weather. Head coverings are not necessary unless there is a religious tradition of wearing (or specifically not wearing) a hat or head covering; when you arrive at the funeral home, you may ask the funeral director for assistance on this matter.

Seating

The front seats are traditionally reserved for chief mourners, like immediate family and next of kin. When you enter, if you notice that the chapel is very large and looks empty, do not sit in the back rows unless you have babies or toddlers in tow who might become disruptive and need a ready exit. Sitting too far back can make the mourning family feel isolated and make the chapel feel emptier than it is, as well as forcing the officiant to strain to be heard throughout the service.

Funeral Procession

The person arranging the funeral typically decides who will follow the hearse from the church or funeral home to the burial plot. Sometimes this is planned out very explicitly in advance; at other times, this decision may be made immediately following the funeral. Most people just travel in their own cars and meet the procession at the cemetery; you can check with the funeral director to get the most direct route to the gravesite.

What to avoid…

–Asking intimate questions about the deceased’s state of health or exact cause of death, if you are not already privy to these details

-Acting rushed or hurried at the funeral. Pay your respects at the casket for at least one minute, and take time to sign the register.

-Sobbing loudly during the service, which can be disruptive to other mourners.

Affordable Burials and Cremations understands that when a dear friend or loved one has passed on, shock and grief are normal emotions. But even through the storm of strong and painful feelings, certain details must be attended to. It may fall to you, for example, to write the deceased person’s obituary.

An obituary can simply be a very succinct notice of the death, with details about the funeral arrangements. Or it can be many things rolled into one: a loving eulogy of the lost loved one, a record of their family history, a request for donations, and a short but compelling life story.

If you feel lost at the thought of conveying so much in a short newspaper notice, know that an obituary can be greatly expanded upon online, as you may choose to create a longer document that can be sent out electronically to family and friends in a variety of formats. Regardless of the obituary’s length or style, there are some guiding principles on how to write a good obituary that we think you might find helpful.

Affordable Burial and Cremations’ Five Essentials for Writing an Obituary that Honours Your Loved One

1. Accuracy of detail. It is easy to make typos and mistakes when spelling names or writing dates; even easier to leave out crucial information, like the date of death or the names of key relatives. The best way to ensure accuracy is to ask someone else to proofread the document, and then go over it again yourself just to be sure. Because the length of an obituary is generally quite short

2. Comprehensive information. Some are reluctant to provide too much information in an obituary because of concerns around identity theft. However, details like dates of birth and maiden names are a boon to families seeking to trace their genealogy, and should not be omitted out of hand. Instead, notify the deceased bank and credit card companies immediately to reduce the possibility of fraud.

3. Storytelling. Every person who has passed on, had a life – a story that deserves to be told. Even though you can’t condense a person’s entire life story into an obituary, you can certainly go beyond the fact that he or she was loved and will be missed. A good way to honour a person’s memory is to think of three adjectives that sum up the person most, then use them in the obituary. It doesn’t have to be long, but for people to read that Uncle Harry was ‘gregarious, entertaining and kind’ will bring up fond memories of him and help people to celebrate his life as well as grieving his death.

4. Research. Using online obituary templates or obituary/eulogy-writing resources may help you get a handle on things like formatting, but you can also look in your newspaper’s obituary section to get an idea of obituaries that you like and dislike. Call the newspaper or visit their website for rates to find out what size and length obituary you can afford.

5. Focus. The person who passed away should be the main focus of the obituary. This seems obvious, but sometimes people refer to the deceased person only according to their relationship with them. For example, Uncle Harry should be simply called Harry (or Harold), because he was an individual with many roles. The obituary is about him; it can and should be used to showcase his life and the key people he shared it with.